Apparently my family now officially does have "a history of mental illness". 

I've found myself looking back lately, looking at my own life and the lives of those in my family. 

 

Everyone has issues, right? That's what I keep telling myself. 

 

I can't stop thinking, "this whole fucking world is bullshit" lately. 

And part of me actually wants to apologize, because I know most of you reading this will probably be shocked that I'm swearing - I usually don't swear. 

 

Yes, I just insulted you.

 

Not the most cheery of thoughts lately, but I'm looking around and seeing sand slipping through fingers where there once was structure. News, politics, religion, culture - you name it - it's bumming me out. 

I've been getting angry at nothing, been getting angry at being alone, angry at my friends and family lately. 

 

Like I need my space and then resent having it. 

Even planets need space. Galaxies pollute the skies, but still we all need our space. 

 

I'm still 100% sober and Vegan and unmedicated. I'm thinking these are the times where people go to the doctor and wind up on prescriptions for the rest of their lives. 

I'm moody, I'm a Scorpio - it's in my nature. I want to be left alone. I want to be loved, I want to have people who care about me - it's all very confusing. I miss sleeping with someone, but get mad at all the nonsense I've had to deal with over the years in relationships. 

 

I tear people apart, I tear myself apart. I analyze people until they can't stand me anymore. I'm hard to be around. I know.

I've noticed my dad is back on Facebook somehow, claiming to be the CEO of some company, all from a mental hospital - wow. And all I can do is laugh - and make sure I don't wind up like that. 

 

 

Anything Incorporated is just the name of a website I made. Most of you know my adopted family runs a few different business. Well instead of naming them all, I decided to have a clearinghouse name, one name to rule them all - and I nicknamed it Anything Incorporated, only because we do pretty much Anything. 

So because I'm now checking my own "delusions of grandeur" out lately - I wanted to be clear, that I am not the CEO some company named Anything Incorporated. It's not even a legitimate business.

We made a crappy website for it, but it's really just a page to put basic contact info on - everyone knows when you operate Franchises that the Franchisor themselves usually take care of ads and media - so I don't have to make a website for Rust Check, for instance. 

 

 

The family does have non-franchise operations, and some of you will know my involvement in them, but I'm not really interested in talking about how I make money on my personal website adamjosh.com - you may have noticed that I have been giving all my music and other content away at no charge here over the years, which is entirely because I don't give a fuck about taking your hard-earned cash from you. 

 

Wait, am I swearing right? I don't do it in real life, so I'm not sure if I'm fucking placing these fucks in all the right fucking places. The fuck was this, the fuck was that. The fuck? 

 

Hold on a second. I may not even actually be adopted. That may be another delusion of grandeur. Wow, the sky really is the limit when you start analyzing your own life. I've said that I'm adopted so long, but that doesn't make it so, does it? I don't have any paperwork to prove it, so maybe I'm nothing more than a good worker who has a blog and can sort of play music.

Hmmf. Nobody adopted me, nobody cares. This is all just a figment of my imagination. I don't own this website, I might not even be Adam Josh! 

Anyway, the people who know me in "the business world" in my community know exactly what kind of man I am, and that when it comes to business - they deal with me for a reason. Adam delivers, or dies trying. And I don't chase anyone for money - believe me. 

I have life insurance, and many people will wind up pretty happy once I've croaked - but I'm not a millionaire, I don't burn money, and I can't afford many things you probably think I could afford. 

 

Like a gold-plated yacht. 

 

So if you're wondering how I've been lately, I've been sad. Sad and trying to keep it together. One of the many reasons I recently took off on a private road trip to our cottage in PEI. 

During the trip my ex-wife started text messaging me because she "was worried about me", and what does it say that I actually enjoyed talking with her? We ranted, we laughed, we told stories, we flirted, I even joked and said, "I think I want a divorce baby".

Like, come on - that's hilarious.

She knows I attempted suicide when I was 16, so she's just probably covering her ass though - right? Alleviating future-guilt should I happen to wind up in a ditch somewhere. She did mention that she just found out that I was raped as a child - I had a few reasons I didn't want to live anymore you know.

Yeah it was probably just a guilt-motivated conversation.  

No, I'm wrong for thinking that. Yeah, it was me, not you baby. 

 

 

I also received some bad news about a family member dying recently, and all I could think of was the last time I saw him, how he was drinking mixed drink out of a glass and telling me about a boat cruise he'd just been on with his wife - who is devastated by the way. 

My friends dad also had a near-death experience, and told me the whole story in person in New Brunswick. It sounded a lot like one of mine, whirling around in a vortex above his body, not in any pain whatsoever, and then whoosh - back in his body. 

 

I'm upset at the bullshit in the world, I'm upset about the bullshit in my life. I'm upset about all the bullshit in my family. I want to escape - but where do you run to when the irritations are coming from inside of you, and the ones that aren't coming from inside you are irritations that pertain to Earth and this reality regardless of your geographic location? 

You medicate, that's what you do, that's what doctors want you to do - that's what everyone does. Pick a poison and forget about it Adam. Frontal lobe lobotomy, as delivered by the latest and greatest creation from Big Pharma. 

 

I don't want to burden anyone specific with these types of thoughts, so I'm typing them out here to prevent myself from blowing a gasket. 

I think I made too many back doors into my life lately, and I want people to stop breaking in, so I'm going to limit a bunch of Social Media stuff - until I navigate this rough patch, I hope that's okay with you guys. 

So if you're wondering - no, now is not a good time to fuck with Adam. 

 

And I'm going back to work now, because it's all I've ever known. 

 

If I wind up going crazy-er (apparently it IS in the genes)... I just want it to be clear that I know I'm not a celebrity or a famous musician or a CEO of a Franchise. I'm just a guy who has worked all his life and maybe has spent a wee too much time on the internet - get a girlfriend right?

 

 

I know, I'm trying. 

 

It's one of many, many problems. 

 

Don't worry, once we die none of this will matter - it'll be like waking up from a dream where you shrug it off and maybe even laugh a little. 

 

 

 

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