My ego is out of control. 

I remember when I was working at Volvo at 17 years old and people would accuse me of being arrogant and egotistical. I remember arguing with them, "If a man is on the cover of GQ Magazine, and then goes around afterwards telling people that he is on the cover of GQ - does that make him arrogant?"

I used to come into work on a Monday and tell these 50 year old men about my weekends of debauchery. 

They would smile, and I knew that somewhere in there they were remembering their own wayward ways of youth. 

 

But I've had to deal with my ego my whole life. 

Nowadays we have diagnoses and medical terms to pigeonhole things into easier to manage compartments. It's easy to say that mental illness runs in my family - it's easy to say my brother is autistic, and that my dad is currently in a mental hospital and has been diagnosed as being bi-polar, paranoid schizophrenic and incapable of handling his own finances. 

It's easy to say that my mother has PTSD, clinical depression, and has been on disability and unable to work since she came to Canada. 

It's not hard at all for me to write about my dark past, my family situation, or how much drama I've been through in my life. 

 

I know that when I say I was abused as a child that people will take pity on me. 

I know that when I write about my suicide attempts and previous depression and multiple hospitalizations that the average person will stand back a bit and let me get away with quite a lot. 

 

We can throw around buzz words like ADHD, manic, bi-polar, depressed etc., but for all the titles and all the doctors and pills and life experience it doesn't change the fact that everyone has ego. 

Yes everyone has ego. Even the gods have ego. Aliens have ego. Presidents have ego, Pastors have ego. Imams have ego, even the old Dalai Lama himself has ego. 

Ego is your personality interface, and without it you wouldn't be an individual. Bottom line. 

 

So I have to keep my ego in check. Being a self-aware Scorpio - I am aware of my predisposition to issues of pride, control, seduction, revenge etc., etc. A large portion of my life is actually spent controlling myself. 

 

I check my ego when I say the following things:

 

I am a Vegan. I do not drink alcohol. I do not do drugs. I am the healthiest 32 year old I know. 

I play guitar, drums, bass, piano, recorder, harmonica and other various instruments. 

I have multiple self-released albums under my belt, and have been in various bands, recorded in studio for various people, been on the radio, on television, in movie theatres, I've played an untold amount of live shows, and I've had my music for free here on my own website for 10 years. 

 

I've had a few people lately stand in awe of how fast I could make a functional website on a business domain name - not a .wordpress.net or .freecrappywebsite.yousuck.org thing. From domain name to ready to use - it took me less than an hour. 

I can film, edit, and produce video faster than anyone I've ever met. I have 3 YouTube Channels to attest to my eccentricity; One, two, three.

 

I worked my ass off and became a manager of a company when I was still in my early 20's. I had dropped out of high school to start working. That bugged me so I went back while working two part-time jobs and finished it and currently own a Secondary School Diploma - not a G.E.D. 

Then I put myself through a year and a half of college, completed multiple online university courses - and am currently a certified and over-qualified service technician, along with being a licensed forklift operator, a card-carrying Private Investigator, licensed Security Officer, and a certified restaurant manager. 

 

We are currently building our second restaurant, after almost 20 years of being in unrelated business - such as Rust Check, roofing, construction, carpet cleaning, car maintenance, and at-home services - yes it's true, I have built not only houses from the ground up, but also businesses, cottages, machines, and vehicles. 

 

I have traveled. Not as much as I would like, but all across Canada and the United States, through parts of England and Scotland, and many many other places. 

I am a certifiable genius. I say that fully aware of your instinct to scoff at me. My brain operates on a level that many simply do not understand. I have been tested and prodded the bulk of my life - and I keep coming out on the winning end. I can speak and read multiple languages, I've read more books than I can count - and my hobbies have actually been to study World Religions, Business, Future-Technology, Exopolitics, and Social Studies. 

I've read the Bible 13 times in my life. I've read the Quran 3 times, with the tafsir once, and many many hadith. I've also read the Book of Mormon, and many other religious pieces from all over the Earth.

 

You may have heard me over the years railing against the gods, or some particular religion...

 

I've worked all over Canada. I've been ice fishing in North Saskatchewan, I've preached in churches in Manitoba, I've tasted both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, I know the humidity of both Niagara and San Francisco. 

I've been married, divorced, engaged again - and have dated more women than I can count. I've dated models, slept in fancy hotels, driven in limousines, flown in private planes, dined with celebrities and dignitaries, and I've swam naked in the river that runs through British Columbia. 

I've owned countless vehicles, and put my "vehicles driven" count at well over 10,000. Not even joking. 

I've turned down extremely lucrative job offers, bribes, and said no to opportunities many will never come across. 

 

 

All this being said - these aren't things I think about on a daily basis. Maybe it's my various "mental illnesses", or the way my mind works - but none of these things amuse me. I am forcing myself right now to get all this out, to write down some things that bring out my ego - those of you who know me will know that these aren't things I would ever talk about in person.

I was raised by Pakistani Muslims from age 16 onwards - and have been instilled with patience, humility, and the ability to lay low as a result. Hard to believe - I know - but once I have done something it's done with, I don't live in my past - ask my ex-wife!

 

So, I have this giant and out of control ego that I have to keep in check. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. We all have ego. We can't lego our ego, we can only do our best to keep them in check. 

I am whatever I am, and when I die - whenever that happens - I will happily move on from this mortal coil to somewhere completely new and different. And I have life insurance too, so it will be pretty cool for those left behind who I have put in my will. 

 

I'm a 32 year old single male with a head full of memories, a busy day to day life, and people who for whatever reason - tolerate and apparently love me. 

 

So I apologize to anyone I come off wrong to, I deal with my ego on a daily basis. I don't need anyone to tell me about how arrogant I am, or how I can seem to be puffed up or this or that - I am well aware of these things and have been dealing with it since I was in my teens. 

 

I'm just excited about life sometimes, and I have a weird sense of adventure. 

 

I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you. 

 

 

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